from prison

Who am I?

I have been told that I suffer the days of misfortune with serenity, smiles and pride, as someone accustomed to victory. Am I really what others say about me? Or am I only what I know of myself.
Bedevilled by anxiety, awaiting great events that might never occur; Fearfully powerless and worried for friends far away; weary and empty in prayer; thinking, doing, weak, and ready to take leave of it all.
Who am I? They mock me these lonely questions of mine...

Whoever I am, You know me, oh God. You know I am yours.

- Dietrich Bonhoeffer (1906 - 1945)

Zohan: A Society on Nitrous oxide

I've first noticed it in New York a few months ago, larger-than-life posters of Zohan. Since then, many more have come and gone, every few weeks a new one. Some on bus stops others on buildings, many more on the pages I browse. How easy it has become to get excited over these trivialities. If a society is known by the monuments it builds, whether temporary or not, what does this say about us? With great expectations we anticipate the latest arrival on the big screen - Saturday night, a movie night, how we love to be swept away by its magnificence, filled with awe, living in the moment, caught up in the adventure - only to be bored by it soon thereafter and more often than not forgotten in a week or two - the dvd for sale at a discount 6 months later - "now you also can own the movie critics called 'amazing', 'life changing', 'a masterpiece'...".

Was this only a case with movies I probably wouldn't have noticed it, but how we anticipate the next iphone release, the game on Sunday, the show on Friday, the new apartment, my birthday next month or even the great night out with friends. Don't get me wrong, these are all relatively 'good' things, but to what degree do you (and me) rely on them to make life interesting or, at least, less mundane? How much of that do I need to satisfy the hunger inside - the hunger that we became so accustomed to feeding, that we don't even know we are feeding it anymore. Doesn't sound like you?, then cut yourself off from whatever it is that fills your 'me' times. If its television, then turn it off, if its Jane Austen or Mills & Boon, they'll be waiting for you when you come back next week, WoW? A week won't kill you. Religiously working on that perfect physique? Take a break. Loving the full satisfied feeling after finishing a pint of Ben and Jerry's, save the the Cherry Garcia for next week. Take off your headphones, steer clear of facebook and twitter for a while, leave the ipod at home. Work the hours written in your contract, and only those hours. After a week you'll agree: Withdrawal Sucks...

I get this picture in my head of a room full of people. Initially completely aware of the world around them but after a while so high on laughing gas that they don't know or even care about what goes on around them. If you were to step in and tell them its time to get up and get out, some might become angry, others irritated, but the majority will just tell you that they don't mind their situation. They are happy, smiling, satisfied, entertained, enjoying every moment, and why wouldn't they, the euphoric effects of this sweet, colorless, non-flammable gas with the pleasant odor and taste really makes life so much better! Inside the room life is good, it makes sense, we don't have to deal with the difficult questions, the real questions, life's questions. Those looking in, however, can only shake their heads at the madness of the laughing; slowly being overcome by the derealization and dizziness of the dissociative drug...

Sometimes ignorance really is bliss and deception is tolerable as long as you don't suffer, but ask yourself the question: "Am I being deceived?" If the answer is a quick definite "No!" it may be a good time to turn off the gas.

-----

The words of Keith Green stills rings true:

You're so proud of saying you're a seeker
But why are you searching in the dark
You won't find a thing
Until you soften your heart

Well, if this, just this once
I could show you, your empty life
I know you would follow him right now

You tell everyone to keep on smiling
Your outlook on life is so positive, yes
But deep down inside
You're searching for a reason to live

Like everyone else you're scared of dying
But the power of death has been blown apart
And you'll live forever
If you soften your heart.

Soften your heart by Keith Green

Thanks for reading - G